I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when my twin boys were eight months old. At 27, I found myself suddenly wondering if I would see my sons grow up and if I needed to start making them videos for when I was gone.

After enduring years of infertility and treatments before finally becoming a mom, it seemed like the hits just kept on coming. Yet I was about to learn a lot about holding on to hope.

Checking the boxes

I had always been a people-pleaser and a “God-pleaser,” believing I had to do all the right things and check all the boxes to earn approval.

Cancer felt like a punishment.

I must have done something wrong or missed a box and God allowed cancer because I needed to do better.

Wrestling with questions

When the tumor ruptured in my abdomen and fluid began creeping up into my lungs, I grappled with the decision my husband and I had made for me to undergo fertility treatments.

Was my ovarian cancer the result of a choice that God did not like?

I don’t know why these questions came. I grew up in a Christian home and my parents taught me that we don’t have to earn God’s love; I guess it’s just the way I was wired.

Fortunately, I was surrounded by awesome people who understood God’s character. They quickly steered me away from this line of thinking. There was no judgment. No criticism. Just support.

How I found hope, strength and peace against cancer

I found hope, strength, and peace in my cancer journey through the help of a handful of people around me. They knew truth about God and stood firm in it for me. They were true prayer warriors, and their faith helped my faith.

One day I will never forget is my first day of chemo treatment.

I had undergone a complete hysterectomy followed by three nerve-wracking weeks waiting to hear if the cancer had spread. I was riddled with anxiety about chemicals about to invade my body.

Then my closest friend called to assure me I was not alone.

I am not alone

She and fourteen other friends were going to stop wherever they were at the minute my chemo treatment was scheduled to start. Each one would lift their hands to the Lord in prayer.

Their hands would be lifted when I couldn’t lift mine.

I kid you not, the second the chemo drip began, I fell asleep. I didn’t wake up until the treatment was done—four hours later. With all the fear and apprehension that I had felt, this was miraculous.

From that day on, the Lord has continued to show me that hope and peace can only be found with Jesus.

You can grasp at other straws, but peace simply doesn’t exist without Him.

Holding on to hope

Now, on my toughest days I say to Jesus, “I am holding your hand. I am walking with you. There is no other choice.”

I’ve found that when hold on to Jesus, I’m holding on to hope.

I have learned that you can go through the fire and still find joy when you walk through it hand-in-hand with Jesus.

That truly makes all the difference.

Struggles after cancer

While I’ve been in the clear from ovarian cancer for several years now, life has still had its ups and downs.

My husband and I adopted two daughters, first one from China and later one from our home state of Tennessee. They have been a blessing!

But in some ways, growing our family through adoption has been even harder than going through cancer.

Our oldest daughter was a toddler when we brought her home from China. She is now 11 and we are encountering the full effects of severe trauma and abuse she sustained before we met her. Her detailed memories of the horror she experienced before age three have thrown our entire family into the fire.

Accepting unconditional love

Sometimes I struggle with loving a daughter who can’t always love me back. I care so deeply for her, regardless of her response, but she can still have a hard time trusting me.

This is when I realize her heart mirrors mine. She wrestles with believing that I truly accept her for who she is—just as I still sometimes lack confidence in the Lord’s unwavering acceptance of me.

It’s an ongoing process for me, working on trusting God’s love. I think part of it is letting him be in control.

Where I’m at now

I continue to remain cancer free, which I am thankful for.

My sons keep me busy with their high school baseball games. My girls have their activities as well. On top of mothering four children, I’m a realtor. I also lead kids’ worship at our church every Sunday, and my husband and I co-lead a small group.

In all this activity, I keep discovering more about who the Lord is and who he is not.

God loves unconditionally. He does not have an earned-approval checklist.

Like the popular verse in the Bible says, “For by grace you are saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, for it is the gift of God (Ephesians 2:8).”

Advice for others

So, what would I say to those going through cancer right now?

When I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer, it was tempting to jump on the internet—but that’s the worst thing you can do.

It’s also a bad idea to believe the well-meaning people who tell you that if you just had more faith, you wouldn’t be sick. Give them grace, but don’t hold on to what they say.

Here’s what to do instead: Spend time reading the Bible, which is God’s way of speaking truth to us. Let God speak to you about who he is and how much he loves you, no strings attached.

You also need to surround yourself with people who support you and pray for you.

The combo of God’s Word and good community is pretty fierce.

Then…hold on to Jesus.

 

If you would like to learn more about to begin a relationship with God, read Knowing God Personally. 

For more help with finding strength outside of yourself, read Asking God for Help.