A cancer diagnosis doesn’t just affect one person—it affects marriages and long-term relationships. 
Many couples wonder: Will cancer bring us closer, or tear us apart?
If you or your significant other has been diagnosed with cancer, you may be asking how to stay strong together in the middle of fear, treatment, and uncertainty.

That’s what this article is all about.

My cancer story

I grew up with a front-row seat to lifelong love stories. I watched my parents thrive together for decades, and also my grandparents celebrate 70 years, which was amazing, as they both lived to be in their 90s.

I didn’t meet my wife until I was in my mid-30s. And while I would love to have 70 years with her, the math doesn’t add up, especially after I received a stage IV cancer diagnosis when I was just 37 years old.

The day we were told I might only have a year to live, we drove home mostly in silence. I remember avoiding looking over at her at a stoplight and thinking, “This is not how our story was supposed to go.’”

The upside of cancer for my marriage

I remember at one point, when things started to look up, but were not guaranteed, asking my wife, Elizabeth, “How can I love you better?” I asked the question and then waited for her answer.

We already had a good relationship, but realizing the fragility of it helped bring us closer together. And amazingly, I had never asked her that question.

We walked through all the twists and turns of my diagnosis, from “you only have a year to live,” to “you are doing well—for now.” Eventually, it became, “you may be cured, but we just don’t know yet.” You can read my story in the About Us section on our website.

Remembering the love lessons

Now, 10 years later and counting, I still carry with me the positive lessons I learned about love and marriage during that brutal season.

I believe these truths are helpful for couples impacted by cancer, no matter your specific experience. They are relevant for those facing a cancer scare, those on a long battle, or even those facing the end of one (as I watched my parents go through recently).

With that said, here are 7 things I’ve learned about how to savor the time together (they apply to couples not facing cancer too).

7 ways to help you savor your time together:

 

1. Live every day together as a gift.

Even the best of couples can tend to take each other for granted. So often, we think that our time together is endless and will continue to be untouched by trouble. However, rarely is that the case. We need to see each day together, even each hour, as the gift that it is. Gratitude is such an important foundation for every marriage or romantic relationship.

2. Live with purpose.

There is more purpose in your relationship than just fun. From a Christian perspective, many couples come to see their marriage as part of God’s plan rather than a cosmic coincidence. Whatever your beliefs, know that something brought you together, and there is a purpose for you as a couple—to help sharpen each other, to also bless others as well, and to leave a positive impact on the world.

3. Affirm your commitment.

Cancer puts enormous strain on a marriage. Don’t be surprised by that pressure — but don’t surrender to it either. Decide together that the diagnosis will not be the final word on your relationship. Affirm your love and commitment to your spouse today with reassuring words like these: “No matter where this journey takes us, I will be with you.”

4. Love each other in small and big ways.

Be intentional with each other. It can be as simple as writing each other a note, giving gifts, or showing some act of kindness that your spouse would appreciate. All marriages thrive when we seek the good of each other. Take the opportunity to share words of kindness and affirmation at every opportunity. Say “I love you,” and mean it. As your health and situation allow, continue to enjoy the time together doing something you both love.

5. Let cancer help shape your marriage in positive ways.

So much of life is about how we respond. You certainly didn’t choose cancer, but now that you are facing it, as a couple, you should focus on the positives about how it can bring you together. For one, it gives us gratitude and awareness of how valuable the relationship and time together are. Sometimes it may be helpful to ask each other, “How can I love you better?” and then listen to what your spouse says. Ask the question and then listen. Let your experience of cancer draw you closer together, rather than apart.

6. Pray for each other.

So often, couples are doing their best to care for their loved one with cancer. But often their strength only goes so far. Prayer is a powerful way to care for your loved one by reaching out to the one who has an endless supply of strength. It’s asking God for help, appealing to the one who has the most power and potential to bring the most help and good into your situation.

7. Find an anchor for your hope.

An anchor is something solid and immovable. As a couple and individuals, it’s good to think about, “Where do we find our hope?” Is it in the next favorable scan or doctor report, money in the bank, or is it in something more certain? As you know, these things are not always as rock-solid as they appear.

If you have a relationship with God, now is a great time to draw strength from Him. If not, have you considered how God might become the anchor of your hope? Check out these words from the book of Isaiah:

“Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint (40:31).”

God can help you renew your strength when yours is depleted. He can give you hope when all seems lost. He can give you peace when your situation feels anything but peaceful.

For more about beginning a relationship with God, see Knowing God Personally.

Finding a lasting love

Wherever your life and journey with cancer take you, do it together. As the ancient book of Ecclesiastes says:

“Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.”

 This life is far more uncertain than we would like. No matter what happens, enjoy the blessing of walking the road together.

Ten years later, I am grateful for the highs and lows and every ordinary Tuesday we chose to treat like a gift. You may not be able to control the timeline of your marriage or relationship. But you can control how you live inside it.

 

For more about how to begin a relationship with God, see Knowing God Personally.